I’m standing in the card aisle trying to find a Mother’s day card. Hallmark does not make this easy. When I read the loving praises of “best mom ever” and “always being there”, I have to keep searching for something that feels appropriate – a card that is more than blank but has a message that speaks more accurately to the relationship I have with my own mother.
Mother’s day, in general, can be tricky, because like other holidays, such as Christmas, there is a mental image instilled in all of us, as to what the perfect or ideal experience should be. The reality for many of us cannot be captured in the prose of a greeting card. Who would have thought I would have to defend myself in the card aisle?
The truth of my experience is that my mother was unavailable to me both emotionally and physically, although we lived under the same roof. When I recall life with her, I recall a woman who survived in her room and avoided life on most levels. She was depressed and unhappy in her marriage, and being a “mother” certainly was not enough to pull her out it and turn her life around. It wasn’t that I felt she didn’t love me, it was just more that she was not a part of my part, in any meaningful or positive way.
As the youngest of four daughters, there where plenty of sisters around to keep me busy and take care of the essentials. My second to oldest sister assumed the mother role when I was much younger and made sure I had what I needed when it came to getting ready for school, etc.. Having a close relationship with my father was also very helpful because I at least had one parent I could count on, most of the time. Life on the surface, in our upper-middle-class neighborhood, looked pretty good from the outside.
The greeting cards don’t have a line for “thanking mom” for when in first grade, I had to spend the day in the kindergarten class because my permission slip sat on the kitchen table for weeks, and never got signed. The cards gloss over the insensitivity of a friend’s mother who was angry because she had to pick me up for ice skating lessons and wanted to know why “my mother never drove” and how unfair it was she had to pick me up. The list goes on and on.
The point is not to throw my mother under the bus or to elicit pity. The purpose of writing this blog to shed light on the fact that everyone has a different experience for Mother’s Day. The truth is, I have had many “mothers” in my life that have helped shape the person I am today. I gladly accepted these ‘adoptive’ mothers and individuals into my life and have endless gratitude for the impact they have had. The mother of my first boyfriend, teachers, a woman I was a nanny to for years…. all took me in and cared for me, guided me, and helped me realize I was loveable and worthy of their attention. There were (are) also many friends over the years who have provided the same support and love of friendship – helping me to trust and showing me how to give of myself to others. I have often wondered how I instinctively knew I needed to have great role models, but I did.
When I had my first child, I was afraid I might not know how to be a good mother. However, in truth, the moment she was born and I saw her, a feeling of love so strong came over me, a feeling that I had never experienced up to that point in my life, I never questioned what needed to be done. It was an experience I will never forget. Everything was and continues to come from that place of love in my heart.
I have worn several hats in the mothering world: I have been a single mother, an adoptive mother, over 20 years ago, (my middle son having lost his own mother), and have had a third child. The classic his, hers and ours. Each of these children has come into my life under different circumstances: somewhat unusual even by today’s standards. A fact, I rarely consider since we live a normal blended life as a strong family unit – there are no “halves” or “steps” in our vocabulary.
My readers and online listeners often hear me use the term “default mode” when it comes to how we all operate in the world, based on our past programming. One place I have seen this clearly in my own life is what directs the way I mother and the importance placed on that role. Basically, it has been an all hands on deck approach for me. Not in the smothering kind of way because I am actually very open to my children making their own life decisions, but rather my overwhelming feeling that I don’t ever, (and I mean ever) want a child of mine to feel that I wasn’t there for them. They can say I was mean, they can say I was too strict, they can say they may not have gotten everything they ever wanted, but I don’t think they can honestly say that I did not make every attempt to be present and involved in their lives. It has been the good fortune and joy of my life.
I have spent 28 years writing my own greeting card – imperfect, messy, authentic and full of love.
For the sake of full disclosure, I still have a relationship with my mother. It is different than what one might consider “traditional”, but it is kind and respectful. Although I might have preferred a different circumstance, it is what has made me who I am today, and I believe, probably a better mother for it. I tend to take less for granted with my own family.
The thing about Mother’s Day for me is this – like much else in life, there is no one size fits all. As women, we are ALL in a position to be supporters, uplifters, friends, to anyone who needs us. The art of mothering is a large lens of who WE ARE in the world to others in our life… biological child or not. We always have the ability to be present, and let others know they are seen and that they matter. In my opinion, that is what a mother does.
So, if there is a child, spouse, partner, friend, co-worker, pet, etc…whose life is better because of your love and attention, then celebrate this day for bringing the spirit of mothering to the world.
Happy Mother’s day.
Jean
